Amidst the thousands of unorganized photos on my computer of sunsets, wildflowers, and all things backroads, there are an equal amount of (equally disorganized) photos of my pets. I’ve spent weeks this year combing through those photos, holding onto memories and regretting every image I only captured mentally and not physically.

A year ago yesterday I lost one of my dogs very quickly and unexpectedly. I’d like to say I’ve healed a lot this year, but I haven’t. There have been a lot of days and weeks that I’ve really struggled to deal with the reality that I’m not going to see him again in this life. A lot. I both did, and didn’t, imagine it would be this painful. Make no mistake that I love all my pets, but going from a 4-person, 4-dog family to a 4-person, 3-dog family absolutely wrecks me at times; few things feel lonelier than an empty, cold lap. I know many have lost more, and worse, but the way grief allows you to come up for air one day and drag you back under the next is, for lack of a better word, hard. Very hard.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I guess there’s only so much Real Housewives can drown out, y’know?

I miss you so incredibly much, Podgy. You’ll always be my baby and I miss your sleepy snuggles and happiness and gentle love more than you’ll ever know.

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